Scary Log – Day Three
It’s amazing how quickly I forget what’s happened the day previously, as I’m writing this on the morning of 3rd November and am finding it hard to recall the features of Day Three already! My first lesson therein, to keep up with the log ON THE DAY. I soon remember my brief experience of imposter syndrome and feeling like I had been a naughty girl however…
An evening together is a rare occurrence
Mike arrived at Mum’s last night; we stayed an extra night and once Mum was tucked safely and warm in bed we made haste to the local pub in the village for food. Emotionally drained and unable to stop yawning, I found myself apologising to Mike repeatedly for me being so tired and hardly able to participate much in the way of decent conversation. We see little of one another when Mike is up in Wales working, while I am down here in Dorset doing my supply teaching. This makes it all the more important for us both to have some quality time together, preferably when we are not yawning our heads off at each other!
An early start to the pub
We were up early and packed ready to go at 8am. I took Mum some breakfast, coffee and a hot water bottle in bed and set out her tablets ready. I was worried about saying goodbye so early but had at least forewarned Mum this would be happening. Thankfully, the carer arrived earlier than I expected, so Mike and I said our farewells and headed back to the pub for the Rugby World Cup final – England v Japan (as if anyone needed me to remind them of who was playing!) This was an historical moment as I was watching the rugby for the first time. I have NEVER watched a rugby match (that I remember) and was certainly a little nervous about going to watch it in a pub.
Strangely, I thought that because I didn’t understand the rules or had never watched it through a full match before that I would stick out like a sore thumb. Perhaps I would glow in some kind of wild imposter syndrome visual effect for everyone to spot me… Boy, my head really overthinks these things! However the experience was amazing, despite England’s defeat. It was a great atmosphere and there was even a FREE full English breakfast provided for everyone in the pub at half time. How cool is that?
Tidying up in readiness
Second scary wotsit of the day was tidying the lockup where Mum’s extra belongings are being stored. She wasn’t aware that we planned to organise it at this stage (we find it best not mention some things, to avoid unnecessary anxiety). Mike and I hope to share the container with her, to help cut the cost down a bit when we move. It rained in biblical proportions and we had to rush to haul everything back inside the store, to ensure it didn’t get soaked through. I get this feeling of guilt or like I’m being ‘naughty’ when sorting through Mum’s belongings. They had to be moved to the store in a hurried episode last year, so at the time it was not at the top of the priorities list to ensure things were stacked sensibly.
With the move to the boat looming fast, it made sense to explore how much space there might be available to us. It turns out that we’ll probably have just under half of it, which will help us massively. I’m not entirely sure why I felt guilty by moving these things around, as it was not like I was throwing anything away. It makes me feel very much like a child, doing some cloak-and-dagger style rifling through my parent’s belongings with that fear of getting caught. I know I have to see past that though and get on with trying to help Mum in the best way I can.
Talking of which, yesterday I didn’t find the courage to offer up the idea to Mum for her to do a jigsaw. That seemed a step too far in the moments that were available. I’m sure I’ll find the right time (and the bravery), to suggest it to her on another visit.
More goodbyes but alone time used positively
Mike and I finished up our tidying job and brief visit together for the next few days, with a cuppa at the local garden centre. He then drove to Wales and I set off in the opposite direction for Poole – enjoying two Tough Girl podcasts and an Airing Cupboard podcast on the way. These shows fill me with such inspiration and ‘feel-good’ vibes and thus meant that on returning home, I was keen to get stuck into some jobs that had been niggling at me (as well as giving me a little push in the right direction towards other challenges). So I finally wrote my next blog – the first one of the #100ScaryDays challenge.
More and more I find it difficult and uncomfortable posting anything about Mum however. While I am considered in my approach and want to be as confidential as possible with Mum’s private matters, at the same time I find it is important to open up with authenticity and honesty to share my own feelings as they occur. All the situations relating to family care are very relevant and topical. They are also such a big part of my life and will no doubt help someone, somewhere, going through a similar situation. Finding that balance is the key.
Looking forward and gratefulness
In the instance that I begin posting weekly blogs, they will perhaps be peppered with less detail and more summary about what I’ve tackled and what I need to work on further with regards to the scary stuff. Overall, I am happy how it’s coming together now.
I would particularly like to thank everyone who has supported me in the start of this new venture and messaged me kind words of comfort or taken the time to give advice when I have posted the ‘difficult’ stuff. You know who you are and I am forever grateful.