FACING A FEAR OF FAILURE

SCARY LOG – DAY ONE

Lots to deal with today in facing my fears – moving the freezer out of the back hallway on my own, sorting my stuff I have been avoiding in the spare room, putting things into boxes to sell or give away, packing up cookbooks to take to storage and loading up the car, all before driving up to Mum’s.  I want to keep some of my plants that I’ve nurtured for so many years but I don’t have room for them on the boat. So I sneaked a Christmas flowering cacti onto the windowsill of the bedroom where I sleep at Mum’s – I don’t think she’ll be happy if she spots it.  Sounds silly but I know I’m taking a risk doing that even.  It’s a careful line I have to tread…

Letting go is hard

I probably could have let more cookbooks go today but I guess I don’t feel ready for that yet.  Lots of people have suggested to me on Instagram and via Messenger that I could have let more go though, so at some point I’ll press myself to go back and have another go at this. In my defence, I have recently reduced the number of cookbooks I have by at least a third, if not more. I know that I still have too many however. Simply photographing my favourite recipes does not seem enough as there are days that I will happily sit thumbing through a random cookbook, looking for inspiration. Chances are it’s not a recipe I’ve tried before. When it comes to cooking, I’m a risk taker not a ‘play-it-safe’ chef and enjoy trying out new things. Releasing my hold on the key to some of that culinary creativity is way too hard still.

Who do I think I’m trying to be?

Another fear is being thought of as ‘trying to be something I’m not’, whatever that means. I’m only ever something I am, after all! I posted a funny ‘scary’ video on the HeadRightOut Facebook page to launch my 100 Scary Days challenge. It was recorded resting on my car console while on the long, dark drive up to Mum’s (with no handling of phone while driving I hasten to add!)  I kept my head torch in my lap, facing upwards for maximum scary effect and made a total arse of myself with the dramatic laughs. A little cackling with some deep, guttural booming as a vocal foundation makes for a ‘different’ sound – but although it was fun at the time, I was concerned that I sounded daft and perhaps was trying too hard.  Nerves kicked in as I hovered to post the video, but happier once it was done. Anyway, I’m committed to it now for one hundred days, so it’s full steam ahead on this scary train.  YOU CAN DO THIS WATH!

Weekly care duties

Each week, I need to draw on all sorts of inner strength while I’m visiting with Mum, so I wonder what will present itself for me to face tomorrow.  For those who are new to my story, Mum is 86 and suffers with some complex mental health issues, as well as Parkinson’s disease. I have to get her to the doctor’s surgery for 10.21am (I know – a weird time!), so hopefully, she’s feeling up to it.  Mornings are her worst time and it can be hard to encourage her out of the door to venture outside. Laura and Lara (my daughter and step-daughter) will be visiting with Granny and I over lunchtime.  That should give Mum some distraction from her worries.  I’ve boldly brought a couple of jigsaws with me too… although I’m not sure how well that will go down!

Commitment, good habits and a fear of failure, again!

In all honesty, I think one of the first things I need to do with this challenge is to commit to at least one blog per week.  Perhaps every Sunday night would work.  It would get me into good habits, give others something consistent to expect from me and it would keep my website active in the Google arena.  The idea of all this, in addition to being very exciting as I love to write, actually SCARES me too. It scares me in case I am unable to fulfill my commitment, as I know how busy I get, particularly now with moving house. I suppose what I’m saying there is that I fear failing.  Perhaps it’s time to ensure that at specific points in my daily diary, I simply don’t get distracted and that this IS blog time. Failing should not be an optional word in my vocabulary, which is especially ironic as I have spent years coaching students to avoid it. Herein this first scary day then, is my first life lesson from which to draw experience and duly work on.

I’ll let you know when I succeed…